I was recently involved in a very heated fight, and am sickened with myself. Please, anyone that can help?
A few weeks ago I was walking away from work at around 5:00 pm with a girl that I have recently been seeing. About half way to my car, 3 men I have never seen before were approaching us from about 30 feet away, one of them holding a crow bar the other two following on either side close behind. The man with the crow bar now about 10 feet away from us began smirking with his friends and started taunting me. The girl I was with was now shaking and gripping my arm extremely tight. I did not walk faster, I in a confident non-aggressive voice said I’m not out looking for trouble guys, what do you want.. One of the unarmed ones began gripping the girl’s shoulder. Immediately I absolutely lost it.
Ever since I was about 13 I have these weird surges when myself or someone I care about etc gets threatened. I immediately become under extreme focus, not rage. My eyesight will get a very slight blueish-red tint to it, and everything becomes mechanical. I plan literally about 8 steps ahead of every move I make. But it’s like I’m only half in control. I feel like I hear a partial amount of thoughts rather then conjure them. I have taken several different styles of martial arts in search of answers, from Brazillian Jiu jitsu, MMA, Judo, all the way to Karate and forms of meditation. I feel like all this did was make me more focused, although I do feel I am in more control.
Anyways, I carefully and precisely aimed a punch straight for this mans jaw from the side near the chin area, while yanking the girl away towards the car. There was no way I could have gotten her there safely, so I pushed her firmly toward it whilst throwing her the keys. The man with the crow bar had caught up with me, and I had not turned around in time. I was still slightly bent over from pushing the girl, when I felt a boot hammer into my back. The force flung me face forward into the ground. Luckily I put my hands out just in time to slow down significantly my head’s impact. I rolled forward using a Brazillian Jiu Jitsu technique, an spun around instantly. They both approached me slowly, and as fast as I could, I reached in my pocket and hurled my brick of a cell phone directly at the man with the crowbar’s face. In one motion, I charged him and performed a Judo toss, by moving under his arm and then twisting it, forcing his body to turn around. Then using the hand the crowbar was in I did a hip toss that would leave me with the crowbar. I then backed off holding the crowbar in my right hand, yet they still approached me, a little more aggressively this time. The one on my right, suddenly lunged at me attempting to grab my arms. I pushed the crow bar with my right hand in a backhand motion as hard as I could. At this point about 6 men were running toward us from the building. The one on the left (originally with the crow bar) immediately took off toward the road. While the other one attempted to stumble away. He was caught by the Police that had come due to the girl’s call and arrested. The police officer had me wait with my hands against his car until backup arrived. Several more officers came and the manager of the building was able to provide security footage of the fight before they had officially arrested me.
The girl I was with at the time, could not look at me the same after. I had become a monster to her and had already been one to myself… Although I understand that what I did was morally correct, I feel immense amounts of guilt and haven’t slept well since..
I am 19 years old (ignore my profile, all of that information is a lie) and have invested thousands in psychologists, therapists, shrinks, doctors, you name it in search of a solution. I just want to keep control.Whenever I use myself as a weapon the amount of guilt that is released afterward is atrocious.. I do not like to talk about this to anyone (hence the secrecy). I was even hesitant to post this online for fear of coworkers reading this or finding out. The police simply asked me where I learned to fight, and told me that I was a good fighter… Being told this sickened me even further. I do not want to fight anyone for any reason. If there is anyone that can possibly answer to anything that happens to me, please help me.
Tagged with: chin area • crow bar • different styles of martial arts • eyesight • hammer • karate • meditation • mma • punch • styles of martial arts • surges
Filed under: Body Building Technique
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Dude become a writer.
And the 8 steps thing is definitely like Sherlock Holmes, the new movie.
to me it sounds like (and trust me this might sound weird) you could have an anger control spirit. ive never been in a fight but i lash out with harsh looks and words and end up hurting people. i try to act like its cool with me and its their fault but i feel guilty. i just cover it up, and try to deny that it bothers me. the best thing you can do, even if you don’t believe in religion, is pray. i mean for all i know you could be atheist, and if you are that’s your choice. but if you are willing to try anything, why not go for the most basic? he will always listen. and try to look deep into yourself. im sure you have heard from therapists and everything stuff about it relating back to parents. but its different in this case, its very likely that if you do have an anger control spirit that it was passed down through generations. i personally think that defending yourself is a good thing, but if you feel sick with guilt after wards then maybe try channeling it in another way. do something constructive, build something with your hands, or take yoga, its really helping me to relax and concentrate on leaving problems behind. sorry i really don’t know much, and i this could just confuse you even more, but i hope it helped some! i hope you find the answer you are looking for. you sound like a good person. just remember that, you aren’t a bad person, and your not a monster!